The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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