I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
