I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
