she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
