Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have aggressive nipples.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
