The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
