Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
