If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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