So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
