I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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