Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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