eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
