EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
