The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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