i was born a porn star she said
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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