I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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