You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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