My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
