Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
