just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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