from now on my penis is your penis
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
