all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
