I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
