The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Two words: blizzard sex
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
