So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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