my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
