Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
