Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
