I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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