your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
