i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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