I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
