There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
