Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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