what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
