I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
