When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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