I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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