He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
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