Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
