we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
