3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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