True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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