If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
