im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
