The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
