Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
