Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
