Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
