I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm like, not good at living.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
