im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
