I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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