I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
